Things I won't tell you

There was this cartoon that I loved much as a kid. I kept watching over and over cause I had it taped. It was about two baby penguins and an adventure they go through. It was dubbed and renamed as Lolo and Bebe. It's the reason I love penguins. It's the reason I called you penguin. I told you that day to remind me to tell you something. I was gonna tell that story to you but I guess now you'll never know.

Such. A. Shame.

Twenty six.

My birthday wish this year is to never need anyone, never lean on anyone. Never wait on people to treat me right. Never trust anyone.

Never compromise.

That's all.

Things I wanna tell you

I hate you. I hate your face, your sunken cheeks, I hate your lifeless expressions. I hate you for what you did to me. I hate that you made me hate you. I hate you for making me hate myself. I hate your weakness. I hate you for giving up on us. I hate that I still miss you everyday. I hate that I feel lost without you. I hate crying over you. I hate my depression the most. I hate it all.

Three

I loved you cause you're kind and sweet. I saw all your flaws and silenced every little voice in my head screaming to run away.

I wanted to be happy and make you happy. I wanted you to make me happy. My life is complete. I don't need you to complete it, yet I couldn't find you when I needed you. I felt lonely. You're so busy being confused and hesitated about everything to even care for someone else. And I told you from the start, I do what I do. I'm an abandoner. I try and do my best and wait till something changes, till there's something to give me hope or get me to hold on. There's nothing. Nothing. Dead end. 

You're not special

You're not special, and you're not unique, and your mother is lying to you.

Everyone is lying to you. You're not funny. You only talk about your work and you have nothing else to talk about and it's sad.

You should leave.

You're special

If I make you listen to a song and show you the lyrics that give me goosebumps or knocks the breath outta me...

If I give a book and exactly show my favorite parts..

If I tell you stories about my cats and what they do and how much I'm in love them..

If I tell you about me, about any part of me, my past and my coming future..

If I do all that, then you better know that you're special.

Cause I don't do that with just anybody!

I just don't know

This world is just too big, and I'm too small.

I'm too small.