Is this it?
Is that all?
Why arent you happy?
Is it enough?
Is it all?
I miss the sound of cutting paint paper with a cutter.
I miss shopping for new paint and ink pens and the sweet joy that engulfes me all day, high on my new purchases.
I miss walking through rows and rows of paint and touching paint brushes and contemplating the ones I should buy, the ones I could afford.
I miss their voices, each and everyone. I miss what made them special to me. The ones I've lost. The first's cheek dimple, his voice, the sound of his laugh and his smell. And I have to stop writing what I miss about him ,cause I can go on and on. You see, he was the first. It always comes back to that. Though I'm over it, I know the feelings are gone, but there's an impression that still remains...I don't know.
I'm drawing again and that's good. There's progress. But I can't feel satisfied with what I draw. It's simple and lacking depth. And I want to really draw and paint, like I used to. In the middle of the night, or at sunrise. For hours. I want a stiff back and achey neck for hunching over too much. I want it back.
And I want someone to tell me that I'm pretty. No, not pretty. Beautiful. I want him to see me as such, makes me feel as such. And tells me to my face. The whole thing with my ex, left me thirsty for affection. Cause I didn't see it from him. And as someone so insecure -though I don't appear so- as me. I crave affection like an addict. I crave care and warmness and intimacy. I need these things, like I need air.
I don't want to ever be fake. I want to be honest with myself and with people too. I want people to see how I think and what I believe in what I do, not just what I say. I want to be real and true. I don't want to be perfect, I want to accept my flaws perfectly. I don't want to pretend something I'm not. I don't need to impress people and I dont want to be impressed by money and fake gestures and words. I don't want to lie or conceal the truth and I don't want to be scared from being myself and being honest and true. That's what I want.
I wanna achieve what I actually wish for. I want to really earn it. I made a small list about things I wanna do and learn on twitter. And I can't wait to start crossing them out, one by one.
So I was thinking that if I really challenged myself and focused on them, I would feel happier on my birthday (November 1st). Recently I've started drawing and doodling again. I'm so happy about that. It's been a long time since I drew anything. Especially when I have an 8 to 5 desk job. Work is good , I've been promoted 2 weeks ago, same tasks only with a better salary ;) I've been there for only 4 months and for them to promote me and reward me for my work.
It just made my year.
I am gonna blog more often in october, little rants here and there.
Have a good week,