My lovely turns two

My Blog just turned 2 years!
I feel grateful, and so happy that among the few things I've started and quit over the years, I haven't quit this.

When I read my old posts, I see how much I've changed and grown over the years.

The things I've lost and the things I've gained as well.

Thank you dear blog, for your blank pages, and for being a place where I can truly rest my head.
Thank you dearest followers, for your support and love!

Merry Christmas too!
Nariman,

Precious

I love your sweetness, but I don't deserve it.
Your kindness as well.
Your shoulder to lean on. I want it.
I want you to heal me.
Cause you remind me of what I used to be.
Pure.
I am poisonous. I am damaged.
I will wipe away your loveliness.
My darkness can't come anywhere near you.
You're too precious.
I don't want to hurt you.
I'll keep my distance.
You're too precious.

Nariman

December is for denial

I don't know where to begin.
I have a lot of may be's to say. Uncertainty is hell. Agony.
Denial is worse.
What do I tell you? That I have a good life, that though it is good, I feel no joy. Nothing.
I cannot come to terms with what I know I should.
I cannot just sit down and think. I do not want to surrender to this.
I am so tired of the never ending circles of self loathing, and berating self. And I got so alone. So sad and so alone. And I don't want people to see. Even tempted to delete this post.
So my birthday came, and I don't know what I accomplished the past year. What do I yearn for? What do I want? I feel lost and unbalanced. As if I don't have a future.
What the hell am I doing?