Word Vomit

I see you being happy and okay while I get deeper and deeper in my misery.
I see that nothing has changed in you. You still go out, same friends, same trips, same everything. And you seem really okay, like unaffected, untouched okay.
While I starve for a while then go back to eating to eating more and more till I get sick.
I feel disgusted and pathetic and sometimes I don't feel anything.
It's the very first time that I consider seeking help. I once brought it up to Mom. Who is oblivious to all of what I'm going through. And she said that there's no point. I don't have problems to go to a therapist. That it would be a waste of time and money.
But I never listen to her anyway.
I don't know how do people do it. How can they get out of bed and face the world. How to get dressed and go to work and just focus. How to be.
I want to just be. I want to get over shit and move on. I want to get a passport and go anywhere. I want to get out. I don't want reminders, I don't want to revisit certain places. You contaminate them for me. I just am not brave enough.
And I didn't do anthing for my birthday, except going shopping and baking muffins. No calls. No gifts. Nothing. I just turned 24. No big deal. But I need new friends, maybe. I'm grateful for my work, for keeping me busy. Even working on weekends. Its a distraction.

I don't know

Wondering...

Is this it?

Is that all?

Why arent you happy?

Is it enough?

Is it all?

Things I miss and more

I miss the sound of cutting paint paper with a cutter.

I miss shopping for new paint and ink pens and the sweet joy that engulfes me all day, high on my new purchases.

I miss walking through rows and rows of paint and touching paint brushes and contemplating the ones I should buy, the ones I could afford.

I miss their voices, each and everyone. I miss what made them special to me. The ones I've lost. The first's cheek dimple, his voice, the sound of his laugh and his smell. And I have to stop writing what I miss about him ,cause I can go on and on. You see, he was the first. It always comes back to that. Though I'm over it, I know the feelings are gone, but there's an impression that still remains...I don't know.

I'm drawing again and that's good. There's progress. But I can't feel satisfied with what I draw. It's simple and lacking depth. And I want to really draw and paint, like I used to. In the middle of the night, or at sunrise. For hours. I want a stiff back and achey neck for hunching over too much. I want it back.

And I want someone to tell me that I'm pretty. No, not pretty. Beautiful. I want him to see me as such, makes me feel as such. And tells me to my face. The whole thing with my ex, left me thirsty for affection. Cause I didn't see it from him. And as someone so insecure -though I don't appear so- as me. I crave affection like an addict. I crave care and warmness and intimacy. I need these things, like I need air.

Honestly

I don't want to ever be fake. I want to be honest with myself and with people too. I want people to see how I think and what I believe in what I do, not just what I say. I want to be real and true. I don't want to be perfect, I want to accept my flaws perfectly. I don't want to pretend something I'm not. I don't need to impress people and I dont want to be impressed by money and fake gestures and words. I don't want to lie or conceal the truth and I don't want to be scared from being myself and being honest and true. That's what I want.

October

I wanna achieve what I actually wish for. I want to really earn it. I made a small list about things I wanna do and learn on twitter. And I can't wait to start crossing them out, one by one.
So I was thinking that if I really challenged myself and focused on them, I would feel happier on my birthday (November 1st). Recently I've started drawing and doodling again. I'm so happy about that. It's been a long time since I drew anything. Especially when I have an 8 to 5 desk job. Work is good , I've been promoted 2 weeks ago, same tasks only with a better salary ;) I've been there for only 4 months and for them to promote me and reward me for my work.
It just made my year.
I am gonna blog more often in october, little rants here and there.
Have a good week,
Nariman

The Breakup

It was painful and just tragic. There was so much agression and resentment in that relationship. It was not healthy at all. I lost so many things. I deceived myself, I tricked myself. I lowered my standards, I trusted carelessly, I was blind. I thought if he's that great as a friend, he would be great as a lover. How stupid of me! It's over and my friendship with him for 7years is over. And our common friends are over. And my relationship with my parents, who by the way blame me for his mistakes and actions, is also over. Now I have to learn to be without him, without someone who is not able to love amd give. To be without someone who's immature and irresponsible.

Tell her you love her

Tell her you love her..repeatedly!

Tell her you love her...you show her

Lonliness

I want to leave.

I want out of this.

You don't make me feel anything. You don't make me feel happy, and you don't make me feel sad.

I feel loneliness.

Drugs

Clean outfit, nails polished, makeup done. And Nari looks so pretty.

Oh so fucking pretty and we have a birthday to attend. And I don't feel right. I don't feel happy or in love or even okay.

I feel sad. But I get up and finish what I have to finish. I put on my smile just as fake lashes, comes easy.

I'm nearly done and I feel something beside sad. I feel numb.

It's my drug.

Simple concepts

Fake it till you make it.
Fake happy, maybe you'll be it someday.
I've never thought that I would be that type of person.
So full of anger and bitterness now.
Spreading poison since 89,
Nari

Shortie..

I just remembered something that I want to document. It's sorta ironic and funny I guess.
I finally got the guts to throw some of my ex's things which he got for me...on the same day that he got married. (Not on the day I found out he was getting married). I was just cleaning up my wardrobe and organizing actually.

Why the hell didn't I do this earlier?

I know my blog is extremely boring and lacking everything fun and colorful I'll put more effort in it I promise.

Nariman

The exorcism of the Exes

It's so hard to see your Ex moving on and see that their life might have gotten better.
While you on the otherhand are trying your hardest to only fix what that ex had so thoroughly damaged.
But it only hurt for minutes though. I know that I AM happy without him. My life even if it sucks rightnow, is much better with him out of it.
I only want to move on like he did, that's all.
On another note I've resigned from my job and found another.
But it's a better everything. So I'm excited!
For a better life..

Midnight rambling

I remember once I read in an article about relationships, that you've to respect and admire the one you're with, like be proud to be with them and love them.
Proud to have children together, that will also look up to them and somehow be like them in a sort.

At the time, I realized that I didn't really respected my ex, I thought him immature and I didn't like it.
Though I loved him, but something was missing. I thought I can't really marry this guy, and have kids and go on with this life. Cause one day the kids will grow older and see how you view eachother and understand.
My mom used to complain about my dad's mannerisms all the time while we're really young and that's fucked up.

And I don't wanna be my parents. Ever!

If you can't respect their way of thinking and accept their differences, then you're making a huge mistake, tying yourself to someone you plan to criticise everyday and smother for the rest of your life, and viceversa, being with someone who constantly points out the bad in you.
Huge huge mistake.
I'm still single by the way.

Happy easter!
Nariman

Mother

"You don't love your mother?" She asked.
"Not the way most daughters love their mothers, no". That was my answer.

Now that answer will really stick to my memory I know.

But it's just the way it is. The way it always will be.

Nariman,

Patience..

You know that feeling you get when everything turns bad.
Worse than what you ever imagine.
You just get headaches from trying to comprehend the hell that happened to you.
That feeling that tells you "Well, this is rock bottom. But it's gonna get better"
It's cheesy and corny, but that's how I feel.
Let it unfold.
Just wait.
Patience.

N,

Dilemma

Is this a fling?
I like you so much.
But I'm too attached to my guy friend.
Would it be real?
Can you like two people at the same time?
What do I do?
What's this?
How could I be in that situation?
I no longer know what I want.
Too confused. I can't even think straight.
Nariman

Someone not you!

I've met someone you had met.
And your reminders are everywhere I go.
I remember our last fight as if it was yesterday.
I see the aftermath everyday.
And now you love someone that's not me.
You're with someone that's not me.
And I want to feel love again.
With someone that's not you.
And be with someone who makes me forget you.
Someone that's not .

Nariman

I forgot how to be me.

i forgot about myself

This one article that I could relate too.

Nariman

The Way You Should Love Someone.

Growing up, I thought falling in love was just something people did to distract themselves from dying. It was like getting a tattoo; having a boyfriend or a girlfriend was a way of branding yourself and letting people know that you were valued and that you were important. There was something inside of you that made you better than the average person. Now I know that, in many ways, I was right from the very beginning. But the kind of love I understood when I was younger is not necessarily the “correct” kind of love. That kind of love is paper-thin and it will wash away. However, every time you choose to love someone despite the bullshit, you are making it stronger, you are painting a fuller picture. By choosing to love, you are accepting the flaws and ugliness that comes along with something beautiful. You are understanding just how life works.

Full article here

Nariman,

Now I know

Now I know.
Why I've been having these dreams.
What they mean.
You were everything to me.
I don't think I could love anyone as much as I loved you.
You used to take my breath away. Literally.
Now you moved on.
I am a fading memory.
I am your past.
I've always wondered, I've always waited, for this day to come.
When I finally see,
You letting me go.
Now it's time for me to do it.
I wish you happiness.
I wish the same for me too.

N

Green.

Envy; such a hateful poisonous  feeling. I imagine a poison would be green.
Isn't that why they say " green with envy"?
I don't need bitterness anymore.
I want to start over.
Without any of them. Without the ghosts of the people who have hurt me, haunting me down.
Ruinning everything, I am trying to build.
Her smile is too big, mine is extinct.
I don't want anything that she has. But seeing her, reminds me of what I've lost.
When it should remind me of how much I've evolved, since then.
How much I have grown.
This is not college. And we're no longer naive.
If I look deeper, I feel pity for her.
And sometimes I pity me.
Or the both of us.
She's my emotional bully.
How could you stand tall, infront of someone who made you feel so weak and helpless?
How can you fight that mental and emotional battle?
How to be brave?
How to hide?
I came asking for a new start. New life. New friends.
And when I finally got comfortable enough, this happens.
I belong here. You know, this is mine.
And you're not welcomed.

This right here, is honesty.
Raw emotions.
I don't think I've ever been that honest and open.
Nariman