One Year Later

One whole year...One 12 months.. One 365 days later, and I still feel your poisoning effect on me.

I see it their eyes, I watch how they step toe around me.

And I feel it in the pain I inflict, punishing them for something they didn't do.

In my head I apologize..over and over.

For doing this to do them,

For being like this.

And for their love that I can't reflect.

Nariman,

Tyrants

When what you wanted to do, becomes what you must do, that's expectations.

When sweet smiles become a fake act, cause people just won't accept you frowning in their faces.

When being a friend to someone, is a tiring heavy burden.

When everyone you've trusted to not judge you becomes a tyrant.

And everyone wants to tweak this and fix that in you.

When they point out the flaws and ask you for the perfection they can turn you to be.

When just everyone needs you to lean on and take out their shit upon, and throw blame whenever they got a chance.

And fuck them all.

Each and everyone.

Fuck you very much.

Eye contact..

Did it ever cross your mind that I miss who I used to be too?
Don't you realize how deeply anguished I am about this?
Everytime you look at me and I see the wonder in your eyes.
Noticing how different I am.
Seeing my scars. Seeing nothing but scars.
You know the stories well enough, you know what caused which.
You always complain of how I can't keep eye contact with you.
But you don't think about how hard it is for me.
It happens everytime you look into my eyes.
I can't breathe.
I lose my track of thought.
My ribs hurt and my heart miss a beat.
I'm in pain.
Till I look away.
Still I don't feel any better.
Because you still don't understand.
Nariman,

Hello April

Seems like it really..that every year I lose someone in April. This is all this month will have for me.
And I throw away a diary. Every April. I feel numb. So tired of feeling this way.
Why do I get close to people?
Nariman