My lovely turns two

My Blog just turned 2 years!
I feel grateful, and so happy that among the few things I've started and quit over the years, I haven't quit this.

When I read my old posts, I see how much I've changed and grown over the years.

The things I've lost and the things I've gained as well.

Thank you dear blog, for your blank pages, and for being a place where I can truly rest my head.
Thank you dearest followers, for your support and love!

Merry Christmas too!
Nariman,

Precious

I love your sweetness, but I don't deserve it.
Your kindness as well.
Your shoulder to lean on. I want it.
I want you to heal me.
Cause you remind me of what I used to be.
Pure.
I am poisonous. I am damaged.
I will wipe away your loveliness.
My darkness can't come anywhere near you.
You're too precious.
I don't want to hurt you.
I'll keep my distance.
You're too precious.

Nariman

December is for denial

I don't know where to begin.
I have a lot of may be's to say. Uncertainty is hell. Agony.
Denial is worse.
What do I tell you? That I have a good life, that though it is good, I feel no joy. Nothing.
I cannot come to terms with what I know I should.
I cannot just sit down and think. I do not want to surrender to this.
I am so tired of the never ending circles of self loathing, and berating self. And I got so alone. So sad and so alone. And I don't want people to see. Even tempted to delete this post.
So my birthday came, and I don't know what I accomplished the past year. What do I yearn for? What do I want? I feel lost and unbalanced. As if I don't have a future.
What the hell am I doing?

The dream

I dreamed of you.
Your voice, an echo through my head.
I talk to you, and it was awkward and real. So real. So bittersweet.
And I blame cold medications and high fever.
I touch you, my mind remembers your rough palms.
It creates the illusion of reality, the tingle afterwards.
I call your name, but it came out wrong.
I want you, but the name was for another.
You didn't notice, and I thought you knew.
There was another. Was.
I fix it. I wanted to fix it. I tried again. And I was pained when I said it right.
It has been so long.
I remember reaching out for you.
I remember you say that you called me. I remember you say you're travelling, and never coming back.
I wake up confused and hurt. All over again.
A scar that is still so raw.
I ache, ache and ache.

I blame my mind. Showing me what I work so hard to deny.

Showing me that I still love you.

Red

I can't...just can't get over my obsession with Red lispticks. I love them. I love how bold the color is, it's something I can't be...being bold.
Though it takes a lot of courage to walk around with red lips in Egypt, or so I think.
I don't quite understand why I love it so much. It gives me confidence and that feeling that I'm beautiful. Like I'm really comfortable in my skin.

Every girl should own one, or at least something that makes her feel good. Nice shoes that makes you look great. Or a favorite piece of jewelry.

Sometimes I really like being a girl.

I am 23 now. My birthday was on the first of this month. I haven't mused really about the last year. But I intend to post about my wishes for this year and so..

I have a bad flu and I am rambling.

Sexy_hot_lips23 (would make one funny username haha)
AKA Nariman

Hello November,

Tomorrow, I am turning 23.
Older than today, younger than I'll ever be again.
P.S
Recruiters are ruthless.
And I really like short posts.
Nariman

Mobile post.

Just testing this one out guys.
Let's see if it works.
N,

Oh-ctober

Read this. So beautifully written.

If you like Kazim El Saher as much as I do listen to this.

And find my tumblr, if you want. I reblog more than I actually post, loving it a great deal.

I pierced my ears a few days ago, another plain earlobe piercings but I love them. My mom flipped of course. She thinks that I'm corrupted now. Old fashioned mom :)

A certain kind of indifference and numbness colors me.  

My studies in HR is going well, another three months and I'll finish my career certificate.

All is good, I believe.

Nariman,

Over and over again

Here's the thing,

I don't deal well with situations, with heartbreaks, even death.

I don't know what to do when someone dies, it's like I avoid thinking about them,

I avoid remembering them. I avoid speaking about them.

And it's the same with every person I lose, whether by life or by death. 

I bottle things up, shut people out, never talk, never show.

Even when I try to talk, cause people wants to know, cause people wants to feel good about themselves. They want to be there, for the sake of being there.

Even then, I feel worse, just like reopening a wound. Cause I do my best, dealing by not dealing at all, and I fail at it. 

And that's how life goes.

My Escape

I remember when I started blogging, when I made this blog, I wanted to escape.

Escaping from certain things that were in my life, certain people, certain insecurities, certain fears,

You can see it in the head title above, or in my healing journey of a year and a few months old of posts.

And I find myself today, at the same point, same place.

Yearning for a place where I can actually breathe,

I can't breathe.

I'm losing control. Losing control over my own life.

Did I really choose this path?

Do I want to continue like this?

Do I want to feel like this?

I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.

Acceptance

You don't love one another, till you accept one another.

And I accepted you, just as you were/are, a long time ago.

But it was too difficult for you,

Nariman,

Embracing Ramadan

Embracing Ramadan.

Embracing spirituality, embracing the way I am now, the turn my life is taking right now.

Managing without you,

Getting used to your absence, and hating it at the same time,

Sometimes it feels like you never left. 

Sometimes.

I love this month, with all that it brings, I'm loving the quietness and serenity that I'm feeling inside,

And I hope it lasts,

Nariman,

What if

What if I don't want to let go?
What if I don't want to forget how I feel for you?
What if I don't want to grow old without you?
What if I prefer dying than being with someone else?
What if you feel the same things, but you cherish your ego more than your feelings, more than me.
What if you know the answers for just once?
I love you,
I love you,
I love you,
I am in love with you, and it's much deeper than you think, than it being said.
And I'm scared that someday I won't be in love with you anymore,

Hoping for a more positive post later,
Nariman,

Music

Mashrou3 Leila
Lebanese band, if you don't know them, then you're missing out on a lot.
I can't find a more matching song.
Nariman,

Happiness is very short lived..

As much as it hurts.
But yeah, that few happy moments are over.
I'll be fine, though right now, I'm very far from fine.
These things takes time.
That's all I have now,
Nariman,

هراء

مهزلة الانتخابات ..احنا السبب فيها ..ازاى تكون نزيهه تحت ايد العسكر

..لن اندم على صوتى اللى اديته لمرشح و برنامج و فكر يستحقه

..مترددة فى النزول للاعاده ..و ضميرى شوية يرسى على المقاطعة... و شوية يرسى على مرسى

اصل الحل هيكون ايه طيب؟

قدرنا كده 

!هراء ده مش كده؟

اسمى بالعربى احلى

ناريمان

(وانتخبت أبو الفتوح على دراسة حقائق و تمعن مش فرجة بس)

Happiness and Hope

There's admiration.

Respect.

Love.

Loyalty

And there's fear,worries,and a big fight a head.

But He loves me.

And I do too.

We'll do it together.

One step at a time. 

Nariman,

One Year Later

One whole year...One 12 months.. One 365 days later, and I still feel your poisoning effect on me.

I see it their eyes, I watch how they step toe around me.

And I feel it in the pain I inflict, punishing them for something they didn't do.

In my head I apologize..over and over.

For doing this to do them,

For being like this.

And for their love that I can't reflect.

Nariman,

Tyrants

When what you wanted to do, becomes what you must do, that's expectations.

When sweet smiles become a fake act, cause people just won't accept you frowning in their faces.

When being a friend to someone, is a tiring heavy burden.

When everyone you've trusted to not judge you becomes a tyrant.

And everyone wants to tweak this and fix that in you.

When they point out the flaws and ask you for the perfection they can turn you to be.

When just everyone needs you to lean on and take out their shit upon, and throw blame whenever they got a chance.

And fuck them all.

Each and everyone.

Fuck you very much.

Eye contact..

Did it ever cross your mind that I miss who I used to be too?
Don't you realize how deeply anguished I am about this?
Everytime you look at me and I see the wonder in your eyes.
Noticing how different I am.
Seeing my scars. Seeing nothing but scars.
You know the stories well enough, you know what caused which.
You always complain of how I can't keep eye contact with you.
But you don't think about how hard it is for me.
It happens everytime you look into my eyes.
I can't breathe.
I lose my track of thought.
My ribs hurt and my heart miss a beat.
I'm in pain.
Till I look away.
Still I don't feel any better.
Because you still don't understand.
Nariman,

Hello April

Seems like it really..that every year I lose someone in April. This is all this month will have for me.
And I throw away a diary. Every April. I feel numb. So tired of feeling this way.
Why do I get close to people?
Nariman

A Post Of Reposts..

Beautiful post by I Wrote This For You.

Another great one By Little Reminders Of Love.

A picture of things I'd love wearing.

And a song I've discovered lately and love listening to it.

Guess that's all =)

Nariman

Stress and Happy Occasions

The last five days was weird, I don't want to say bad, but I thank God that it wasn't any worse.
That what happens when you work at a Call Center and let me tell you, that I can't wait to get out.
Due to reasons I won't mention, I'll have to keep up with it. I'm so tired, and my course is getting harder. And.. Ouff.
My best friend got married -The marriage ceremony- this week, I'm so happy for her. Yaaaaaaay, she looked beautiful. Her wedding is by the end of March. Looking forward to it.
I've missed reading.
I got new kitties!!!!!!!!!! Mom saved them earlier this week, they are so prettyyyyyy!

Meshmesh (Till i find a prettier name)

With his annoying sister, she's cute but meows all theeee time.

That was everything,

I hope you all had a week better than mine :)
Nariman,

16th of March

Words of blame being thrown at each other.
Some words that hit way way deep, and painful.
I hate the voice. I hate the tone. I'm getting confused thinking it's someone else. Same scene happening again and again.
I hang up tired and drained, though I heard mostly, absorbed mostly. And I voice none of what's inside my head, the rest is partially heard but not listened to.
Like a drop of ink in pure water, ruins it for good. I guess that's what we'd become now.
Nothing more say.

Hello March

I like March. There's a song by One Republic is called Marching On. I love it. Here.
I got a new phone. Bought it with my first salary and all.

I got the black. It's cool too.

My BestFriend is getting married by the end of March.

Work is bad. Bad bad bad, I hate hating it because of people.

My course is very interesting. I feel good about it.

Umm and I'd cut my hair. Medium length. Looks happy and I look much younger.

Life is good. Hoping it will stay that way for a while.

Love and positivity,

Nariman

News and good stuff

I passed the test, and I got accepted. I'm excited, really, I want this. And I won't fail, not even complain about it. The classes will not tire me. Work will not make me hate it. I'll study and I'll focus on this. Shifting careers is scary, but I'll do it. And each time I feel like it's so hard, or I get too tired and bored overtime, I'll remember that a year ago I couldn't even dare about dreaming it. I'll remember that. I will.
I love your comments guys, Thank you :*
Nariman,

Hidden messages and double meanings.

I have long hair, really long hair. It's gotten frail and weak, it gets knotted and tangled all the time. It's painful to brush it. I love my hair, but I'm gonna cut it next week. I hate hairdressers (all of them) cause they do it (cut my hair) without blinking. They feel nothing, I do.

This post isn't about hair and hairdressers.. at all. 

Nariman,

My week in few words.

Stressful at first, then I adapted painfully.
I miss my friends. I miss drawing too.
I have a test tomorrow - not related to work- for a course I'm enrolling in, it's one hour after I finish work, and 3 hour test, so wish me luck *fingers crossed*
I think I'll have pizza for lunch, or better take a sandwich from home. Yeah, second choice is better.. for my pants size.
Have a great week.
Nariman :)

Balance

You know what everyone needs? Yes. Balance. We need balance, and I couldn't find a more expressive photo. I promise I'll try to balance everything, starting small, and I'll make it I swear.
This post has no negative energy as promised :)
Nariman,

I call that epic whine

I don't want to whine. I do not whine. I can handle stress and bad energy and shit. But it's all got too much, and I'm suffocating. There's a list of all things annoying..from people invading my privacy and doesn't know the meaning of personal space, to bad attitudes and yelling around me, not at me, not from me, but around me, in the air. Not a great environment. I try I try I swear. I read IWTFY posts and it helps. It really helps, connect or disconnect who I truly am from the part that I let those certain negative people see. I even retweet prayers, I recite them, I whisper them, that helps too. Something is missing, something is wrong. I originally named this post "Some Positivity", and I came here planning to post my latest favorite photo findings on the internet, you know spread positive energy on this blog, that by the way is turning way too depressing.Now I can't find it. Whoever gonna read this, would get that energy I'm posting. It's so so wrong.
I'm so so so sorry, that you came across randomly to my negativity. I'll be stronger by next post.
It's not that bad. I drink tea at work, I used to try a new one everyday. Apple tea, lemon tea, raspberry (my fav.), and so on, oh the strawberry smells like heaven, any way now I stick by raspberry. I'll fix this post by posting a pic of our kitten/cat. She's half evil/ half cute, she's older now, her fangs hurts a lot more, she likes sleeping beside us, and we saved her from the streets, she was so young, and we thought her a boy, named him Louis (lewis), discovered that she's a she. So voila story of lil Lewisa :D I love her. Got boring now.
Have a great week,
Nariman,

Lewisa 

Just a post

I'm glad today, I'm smiling.
Here's to raspberry tea.
N,

Jan 25th

It's not a celebration..It's a revolution that will keep going till victorious..
Something in my heart for this country..
That's all I have to say.
To better days In shaa' Allah
N

Good news and stuff

I got a job..It's good, I'm still a trainee, but I like it.
I'm feeling okay, I think, still feeling damaged though.
How's life for everyone, is it as good as mine, is it as bad as mine?
How do you deal in your life? I always wonder that, always wonder if I'm doing it like everybody else..
I'm not doing it right..something is wrong.. I don't like feeling that way.
Sending you love,
N,

A Whole Other Post..

Life is unpredictable..in extreme ways.
What happened today was...I don't even know what to call it.
Starts with a call, then a meeting, then exchanging gifts.
He got me two books..and we talked and talked, about everything, it was just like we used to be.

Everytime I think about how it turned out, I'm like Wow. Thank you God!
I'm so happy, Why needs another post.
And There I thought I'll never see him again, that I lost my bestfriend.
I didn't get to keep your gift anymore. So happy about that.
Nariman,

Angst..

It's been a while..since I felt that hurt, that heartbroken.
I don't understand your actions, I can't wrap my head around the intentions behind it..
But I understand you.
I know you, my friend.. and somehow I understand.
It hurts me though that I can't come to you and talk about it.
That I'll probably never gonna see you again...never gonna give you your gift.
The one I bought cause it reminded me of you.
And the worst thing is that I'm gonna keep it and it'll keep reminding me of you.
I keep a gift and don't get to keep you.
You don't have to do this you know.
I understand.
I wish I could just tell you that I understand. I can't.
I'm not gonna hate you for it.
Never.
Same lesson twice the burn..I deserve it. I do.
And this would be the last time I write about you, I promise me that.

Why try to change me now

Why can't I be more conventional

People talk.

People stare.

So I try

But can't be

Cause I can't see

My stranger little world

Just go passing me by..

Why try to change me now

Do Right

If I wanna do you right..then I'll do the things you always encouraged me to..
then I'll do my part of our deal..
then I'll make you proud.
then I'll honor you, do you justice..
That way I won't be the one to break a promise, it would be you..
N

Numbness or something like it

♫
And the nights are so long without you,

And the days speed up,

My God, I'll never let you go now,

Cause somethings are not worth changing.

♫

Lyrics By Charlie Simpson - Down Down Down
Via weheartit

Salalem - 7elmak Soto Ghenwa سلالم - حلمك صوته غنوة - دعوة للتفاؤل

I'll go to their concert next wednesday! Yaaaaaaaaaaay! Love them and love the song.
Stay cool,
N

The unknown

I don't know whether if you're good or you're bad. I know you, but not enough to judge, and I don't know you enough. Your history is a mystery to me as well as your present, I don't know if I'll stay long enough to see your future. And I don't know if it will be ours. I just don't know, it scares me and excites me at the same time. But we'll see and maybe after a while...we'll know :)
Nariman,