Wondering...

Is this it?

Is that all?

Why arent you happy?

Is it enough?

Is it all?

Things I miss and more

I miss the sound of cutting paint paper with a cutter.

I miss shopping for new paint and ink pens and the sweet joy that engulfes me all day, high on my new purchases.

I miss walking through rows and rows of paint and touching paint brushes and contemplating the ones I should buy, the ones I could afford.

I miss their voices, each and everyone. I miss what made them special to me. The ones I've lost. The first's cheek dimple, his voice, the sound of his laugh and his smell. And I have to stop writing what I miss about him ,cause I can go on and on. You see, he was the first. It always comes back to that. Though I'm over it, I know the feelings are gone, but there's an impression that still remains...I don't know.

I'm drawing again and that's good. There's progress. But I can't feel satisfied with what I draw. It's simple and lacking depth. And I want to really draw and paint, like I used to. In the middle of the night, or at sunrise. For hours. I want a stiff back and achey neck for hunching over too much. I want it back.

And I want someone to tell me that I'm pretty. No, not pretty. Beautiful. I want him to see me as such, makes me feel as such. And tells me to my face. The whole thing with my ex, left me thirsty for affection. Cause I didn't see it from him. And as someone so insecure -though I don't appear so- as me. I crave affection like an addict. I crave care and warmness and intimacy. I need these things, like I need air.

Honestly

I don't want to ever be fake. I want to be honest with myself and with people too. I want people to see how I think and what I believe in what I do, not just what I say. I want to be real and true. I don't want to be perfect, I want to accept my flaws perfectly. I don't want to pretend something I'm not. I don't need to impress people and I dont want to be impressed by money and fake gestures and words. I don't want to lie or conceal the truth and I don't want to be scared from being myself and being honest and true. That's what I want.

October

I wanna achieve what I actually wish for. I want to really earn it. I made a small list about things I wanna do and learn on twitter. And I can't wait to start crossing them out, one by one.
So I was thinking that if I really challenged myself and focused on them, I would feel happier on my birthday (November 1st). Recently I've started drawing and doodling again. I'm so happy about that. It's been a long time since I drew anything. Especially when I have an 8 to 5 desk job. Work is good , I've been promoted 2 weeks ago, same tasks only with a better salary ;) I've been there for only 4 months and for them to promote me and reward me for my work.
It just made my year.
I am gonna blog more often in october, little rants here and there.
Have a good week,
Nariman

The Breakup

It was painful and just tragic. There was so much agression and resentment in that relationship. It was not healthy at all. I lost so many things. I deceived myself, I tricked myself. I lowered my standards, I trusted carelessly, I was blind. I thought if he's that great as a friend, he would be great as a lover. How stupid of me! It's over and my friendship with him for 7years is over. And our common friends are over. And my relationship with my parents, who by the way blame me for his mistakes and actions, is also over. Now I have to learn to be without him, without someone who is not able to love amd give. To be without someone who's immature and irresponsible.

Tell her you love her

Tell her you love her..repeatedly!

Tell her you love her...you show her

Lonliness

I want to leave.

I want out of this.

You don't make me feel anything. You don't make me feel happy, and you don't make me feel sad.

I feel loneliness.