December is for denial

I don't know where to begin.
I have a lot of may be's to say. Uncertainty is hell. Agony.
Denial is worse.
What do I tell you? That I have a good life, that though it is good, I feel no joy. Nothing.
I cannot come to terms with what I know I should.
I cannot just sit down and think. I do not want to surrender to this.
I am so tired of the never ending circles of self loathing, and berating self. And I got so alone. So sad and so alone. And I don't want people to see. Even tempted to delete this post.
So my birthday came, and I don't know what I accomplished the past year. What do I yearn for? What do I want? I feel lost and unbalanced. As if I don't have a future.
What the hell am I doing?