The dream

I dreamed of you.
Your voice, an echo through my head.
I talk to you, and it was awkward and real. So real. So bittersweet.
And I blame cold medications and high fever.
I touch you, my mind remembers your rough palms.
It creates the illusion of reality, the tingle afterwards.
I call your name, but it came out wrong.
I want you, but the name was for another.
You didn't notice, and I thought you knew.
There was another. Was.
I fix it. I wanted to fix it. I tried again. And I was pained when I said it right.
It has been so long.
I remember reaching out for you.
I remember you say that you called me. I remember you say you're travelling, and never coming back.
I wake up confused and hurt. All over again.
A scar that is still so raw.
I ache, ache and ache.

I blame my mind. Showing me what I work so hard to deny.

Showing me that I still love you.

Red

I can't...just can't get over my obsession with Red lispticks. I love them. I love how bold the color is, it's something I can't be...being bold.
Though it takes a lot of courage to walk around with red lips in Egypt, or so I think.
I don't quite understand why I love it so much. It gives me confidence and that feeling that I'm beautiful. Like I'm really comfortable in my skin.

Every girl should own one, or at least something that makes her feel good. Nice shoes that makes you look great. Or a favorite piece of jewelry.

Sometimes I really like being a girl.

I am 23 now. My birthday was on the first of this month. I haven't mused really about the last year. But I intend to post about my wishes for this year and so..

I have a bad flu and I am rambling.

Sexy_hot_lips23 (would make one funny username haha)
AKA Nariman

Hello November,

Tomorrow, I am turning 23.
Older than today, younger than I'll ever be again.
P.S
Recruiters are ruthless.
And I really like short posts.
Nariman

Mobile post.

Just testing this one out guys.
Let's see if it works.
N,

Oh-ctober

Read this. So beautifully written.

If you like Kazim El Saher as much as I do listen to this.

And find my tumblr, if you want. I reblog more than I actually post, loving it a great deal.

I pierced my ears a few days ago, another plain earlobe piercings but I love them. My mom flipped of course. She thinks that I'm corrupted now. Old fashioned mom :)

A certain kind of indifference and numbness colors me.  

My studies in HR is going well, another three months and I'll finish my career certificate.

All is good, I believe.

Nariman,

Over and over again

Here's the thing,

I don't deal well with situations, with heartbreaks, even death.

I don't know what to do when someone dies, it's like I avoid thinking about them,

I avoid remembering them. I avoid speaking about them.

And it's the same with every person I lose, whether by life or by death. 

I bottle things up, shut people out, never talk, never show.

Even when I try to talk, cause people wants to know, cause people wants to feel good about themselves. They want to be there, for the sake of being there.

Even then, I feel worse, just like reopening a wound. Cause I do my best, dealing by not dealing at all, and I fail at it. 

And that's how life goes.

My Escape

I remember when I started blogging, when I made this blog, I wanted to escape.

Escaping from certain things that were in my life, certain people, certain insecurities, certain fears,

You can see it in the head title above, or in my healing journey of a year and a few months old of posts.

And I find myself today, at the same point, same place.

Yearning for a place where I can actually breathe,

I can't breathe.

I'm losing control. Losing control over my own life.

Did I really choose this path?

Do I want to continue like this?

Do I want to feel like this?

I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.