The Way You Should Love Someone.

Growing up, I thought falling in love was just something people did to distract themselves from dying. It was like getting a tattoo; having a boyfriend or a girlfriend was a way of branding yourself and letting people know that you were valued and that you were important. There was something inside of you that made you better than the average person. Now I know that, in many ways, I was right from the very beginning. But the kind of love I understood when I was younger is not necessarily the “correct” kind of love. That kind of love is paper-thin and it will wash away. However, every time you choose to love someone despite the bullshit, you are making it stronger, you are painting a fuller picture. By choosing to love, you are accepting the flaws and ugliness that comes along with something beautiful. You are understanding just how life works.

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Nariman,

Now I know

Now I know.
Why I've been having these dreams.
What they mean.
You were everything to me.
I don't think I could love anyone as much as I loved you.
You used to take my breath away. Literally.
Now you moved on.
I am a fading memory.
I am your past.
I've always wondered, I've always waited, for this day to come.
When I finally see,
You letting me go.
Now it's time for me to do it.
I wish you happiness.
I wish the same for me too.

N

Green.

Envy; such a hateful poisonous  feeling. I imagine a poison would be green.
Isn't that why they say " green with envy"?
I don't need bitterness anymore.
I want to start over.
Without any of them. Without the ghosts of the people who have hurt me, haunting me down.
Ruinning everything, I am trying to build.
Her smile is too big, mine is extinct.
I don't want anything that she has. But seeing her, reminds me of what I've lost.
When it should remind me of how much I've evolved, since then.
How much I have grown.
This is not college. And we're no longer naive.
If I look deeper, I feel pity for her.
And sometimes I pity me.
Or the both of us.
She's my emotional bully.
How could you stand tall, infront of someone who made you feel so weak and helpless?
How can you fight that mental and emotional battle?
How to be brave?
How to hide?
I came asking for a new start. New life. New friends.
And when I finally got comfortable enough, this happens.
I belong here. You know, this is mine.
And you're not welcomed.

This right here, is honesty.
Raw emotions.
I don't think I've ever been that honest and open.
Nariman

My lovely turns two

My Blog just turned 2 years!
I feel grateful, and so happy that among the few things I've started and quit over the years, I haven't quit this.

When I read my old posts, I see how much I've changed and grown over the years.

The things I've lost and the things I've gained as well.

Thank you dear blog, for your blank pages, and for being a place where I can truly rest my head.
Thank you dearest followers, for your support and love!

Merry Christmas too!
Nariman,

Precious

I love your sweetness, but I don't deserve it.
Your kindness as well.
Your shoulder to lean on. I want it.
I want you to heal me.
Cause you remind me of what I used to be.
Pure.
I am poisonous. I am damaged.
I will wipe away your loveliness.
My darkness can't come anywhere near you.
You're too precious.
I don't want to hurt you.
I'll keep my distance.
You're too precious.

Nariman

December is for denial

I don't know where to begin.
I have a lot of may be's to say. Uncertainty is hell. Agony.
Denial is worse.
What do I tell you? That I have a good life, that though it is good, I feel no joy. Nothing.
I cannot come to terms with what I know I should.
I cannot just sit down and think. I do not want to surrender to this.
I am so tired of the never ending circles of self loathing, and berating self. And I got so alone. So sad and so alone. And I don't want people to see. Even tempted to delete this post.
So my birthday came, and I don't know what I accomplished the past year. What do I yearn for? What do I want? I feel lost and unbalanced. As if I don't have a future.
What the hell am I doing?

The dream

I dreamed of you.
Your voice, an echo through my head.
I talk to you, and it was awkward and real. So real. So bittersweet.
And I blame cold medications and high fever.
I touch you, my mind remembers your rough palms.
It creates the illusion of reality, the tingle afterwards.
I call your name, but it came out wrong.
I want you, but the name was for another.
You didn't notice, and I thought you knew.
There was another. Was.
I fix it. I wanted to fix it. I tried again. And I was pained when I said it right.
It has been so long.
I remember reaching out for you.
I remember you say that you called me. I remember you say you're travelling, and never coming back.
I wake up confused and hurt. All over again.
A scar that is still so raw.
I ache, ache and ache.

I blame my mind. Showing me what I work so hard to deny.

Showing me that I still love you.